Pyro and I are broken up. You know I read back at a few pages of entries and damn he was violent. wtf yo. anyway. zim just busted into my room like he ownes this nigga... there is a new person named chris in my life. hes a dj. kinda like this one. but im pretty sure i fucked all that up by being a cunt about a few things and falling for pyros bullshit silver tongue yet again. sigh.. school is well hard.. i moved to the bridge again. got back into the rave scene. but i believe im going to get myself back out of that mess.

this is all for now.

I updated.

Well the end of my first semester is near. My relationship with scott hasn't gotten any better and I still work my ass off. oh wait for 7.50 a hour now. I got a raise.. :/I wish I hadn't of fucked my life up and became a felon. whatever. I have a shit ton of homework to do in English IT and student development. and it all has to get done this week. ugh. I let scott take my car to dwaynes bachelor party and he trashed it. he also left a cooler in the trunk and it leaked all over my flash drives and all of the work I had done all semester was destroyed. I had it backed up on my lap top until i restored my lap top. the point is he should of cleaned my car out after he went out parting in it. in rolls sunday where I work a 10 hour shift by myself because someone called out. and what happens. scott has stacy over while im gone. he knows shes not allowed over when im not here. I fucking hate her. and I snoop threw his phone and what happens I find hes been talking to her over the past 2 weeks hey baby how are you. I miss you. Ive been having dreams about you. your sexy,. hey sexy how are you feelin sexy today. WHAT THE HELL then he turns it around on me and tells me its my fault.. Im just a big bitch and all i do is bitch.. and its all my fault. he doesn't talk to me like he talks to her.my heart hurts so much.. but I love him. i love him with everything i have. he tells me to leave all the time. he tells me im damaged goods tells me to go have my happy life without him. I'm not happy without him i don't want to be without him.. i also don't have ANYWHERE i can go and still be able to keep my job and school. this is the longest job Ive ever had. I'm trying really really hard to do things right for a change.. i don't know what to do. i did this to me i guess. it hurts.. it really just hurts...

Ive been realy sad lately.. ever since conrad forced me to "convince" him why i should be allowed to see my kids i feel like ive died on the inside. I dont know what to do and Ive been sliding further into the abyss of depression. I miss having a family unit. I hate conrad with every fiber of my being and I wish I never met him. I miss my kids and yet another christmas morning where I wake up to them not with me. *sigh* im doing everything in my power to make my life better. I got my license I am enrolled in nova i have a job.. im scared shitless about my future but im pushing myself to do all these things to make life livable.

I want a hug. a hug that means something. im tired of being pushed away and un acknowledged by the one person that should love me. what to do what to do.

im so scared of change and being alone and with no one that cares.

**sad face***

I work 40 + hours a week. I thought applying to school was a great idea.. I thought that doing this was what I was supposed to do.. But... Scotts Mom hates me.. I cant use one of his 3 cars to go to class or work because his mother doesn't want me to.. so the wind just kinda got kicked out of my sails. I pay her rent to live here. I clean the house when im not working or sleeping I scoop 11 cat boxes.. 11 disgusting cat boxes... scotts her baby boy and Im not good enough for him.. he tells me the goal of me living her is to become independent on my own.....

I feel like im his charity case.. he needs to get me independant on my own.. I thought me and him were building a life together.. if we live apart how are we building together so that I can have my kids back.. I mean what am I supposed to do.. I have so much on my shoulders.. I feel so weighted down ... and Im so depressed I fucking hate my parents.. they don't do shit for me they have never done shit for me and they never will do shit for me. I wish that I had parents that helped me.. I drove Scott and his mother into loads and loads of debt and I failed at everything.. and it just hurts. I have had a free life with him forever I have had everything given to me according to them.. I'm to good to do anything I feel like killing myself............. I feel like dog shit.. Im less then dog shit..

So I took my placement for the math today... Bombed it as I thought I would.. haha.. But anyway.. I turned in my tax forms today and did the final paperwork. So now all I do is wait. UGH.. In November I can go and sign up for classes. heres what I will be doing for my first semester. Eng 111, and Eng 009 which are taught by the same teacher which i lucked out on... both of those classes go together... then Math 003-004 which are also taught by the same person and shouldn't be that hard. Then these other classes SDV 100 and PED 116.. Im going to be going full time so I can get the most out of my grant. Plus keep my jobs up... I guess come January I will sleep when I am dead.. But once I get these classes out of the way I am going to be going to the Louden campus for my Veterinary Assistance Certificate which coincides with my associates of science/ General studies degree.. all of this is going to take about 2 and a half years..

I suppose Life is good for once.. And I now after all this time of aimlessly existing and scraping to survive will be doing something with myself and doing it all on my own. And the most awesome part of this is that Nova has a Aprenticeship program that will place me at an animal hospital of my choosing based on which ones in Northern Va participate.. I looked at the list and there were like 90 different hospitals all over that participate..



!!!HERES TO NOT WORKING AT A PET STORE OR A RESTAURANT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND ONLY MAKING MINIMUM WAGE!!!

• Location:Lorton
• Mood: anxious
• Music:My chemical romance <3

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so

• Sep. 16th, 2009 at 12:55 AM

the reason scotts mom is poor now is cause of that trailor.. the reason scott got poped by the cops is he had to sell drugs to give me money.. and then she had to bail him out with the 10000 dollar lawyer and the court money and the house arrest money.. the reason i fucked up there life is all me and my kids and how much we sucked them dry... im a horrible person and its selfish of me to cut my hours at work and try and go to school.. scott is going to school scotts education is more important. i feel like i want to shoot myself.. i fucking hate this shit I think im doing something good and it turns out im doing the wrong thing.. so fuck nova ill just keep working at the pet store and giving her all my money..

• Mood: crushed

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its arguments like this.

• Sep. 16th, 2009 at 12:21 AM

that really make me wonder if were guna make it. He ate my peanut butter cups. and drank my slim fast. so i say i can wear his nice new ecko clothes to work and splatter bleach all over them cause his mom bought them and it doesn't matter. like he said my peanut butter cups dont matter. I dont drink any soda anymore. I starve myself all day for the delicious taste of a peanut butter cup and there gone. and i cant do my slim fast thing tomorrow because he drank those as well. so i yell at him and say im picky that i only like certin things. then he takes my phone away cause i wont talk to him.. even tho i payed his phone bill this month..

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to the post from last night

• Sep. 11th, 2009 at 7:04 PM

id like to say hes getting a brand new expensive lap top and all the extra frills now.. yay rub more things in my face.. when i do my taxes im going on a big clothes buying spree.. hes all happy and giddy and looking at external drives for more storage and all this extra stuff. i fucking hate privileged people.

• Mood: aggravated

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Boo..

• Sep. 10th, 2009 at 10:26 PM

RRgh.. Im kinda pissy I applied for fafsa today and then tried to apply to nova but my account that I just created conflicts with another student account.. So its awesome that my social is being used all over im sure some mexican is enjoying the benefit of my citizenship.. so now i gotta go to nova and sort it out.. and im also sure i wont even be accepted. further more where am i going to get the money for the application fee and even if im slightly even looked over and able to go theres all this expensive red tape im sure no one in my family can help me pay for because they are all pieces of shit.
ahh the sweet smell of failure.. im getting pretty damned tired of scotts im going to mason im so smart my mom is buying me a new computer my mom bought me 500 dollars in new clothes and shoes.. my mom paid for my tuition and my dr appointment and my books and my everything i fuckin hate people that have everything handed to them on a fucking platter and all they have to do is go and run with it.. while people like me have to scrape and save and work minimum wage jobs where we work very hard and still have nothing. im tired of standing on the bottom of society while people that have money and get everything handed to them continue to shit on my face.. may i add that i have to give my paycheck to his mom this week. .

the anger brewing in my makes me want to punch holes in the wall.

• Location:lorton
• Mood: aggravated
• Music:your mom

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Oh My God..

• Jul. 6th, 2009 at 3:13 AM

I cant sleep its 3 am and im having a panic attack in my bed because im in a myspace battle with coke whore nikki because conrad told her that my kids were taken from me because i couldnt take care of myself and them and then were given to him. and i never see them and i am not apart of there lives WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. it made me cry im still crying I called him to scream at him and hes not answering. JLHGYTVVIYVCHVG.. then... then to top everything off scott has fucking brandi... the girl that slipped away that he loved on his myspace now. im sure hes sent her messages. i found him before looking for her. theres guna be a fiight when i wake up. OMG OMG OMG when i wake up im cutting my hair. omgomgomg i feel like im going to vomit. im so glad i didnt drink.. omg. my birthday is shaping up to be pretty aweful

• Mood: crying

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